Nobody knows how many times

I've sat in my room and cried out my eyes. 
How many times I've lost hope 
and contemplated suicide. 
Nobody knows... Nobody knows how many times 
I've been let down, delayed, betrayed, 
bereaved, disappointed, hurt...rejected,
tagged a clown.

Nobody knows how many times 
I've had to hold back teas, 
how many times I've felt like 
I'm about to snap but didn't, 
just for the sake of the few 
that cherish a bit of me like desert to dew.

Nobody knows the thoughts 
that have gone through my head 
whenever I'm sad, 
and how horrible they really are.
Nobody knows my pain
and how tears I rain
in the dead of the night.

Nobody knows
that behind the smiles
that masks my face
is a deep groan
a broken heart
a sad man
a solitary sage.

Nobody knows the real me
been beaten down, battered and bitter
yet stays in the light.

Nobody knows the real me
that holds on to hope
though I lose grip
of the joy I once know.

Nobody knows
Do you?